Just be like.....

How many times have you been told, "Just be like...."?   More like your brother. More like your sister. More like the cool kids.  Be like Mike.... Heck, someone may even say, "Be like Nike, and ..... 'just do it'!"

                    How many people have you told to be like..... someone else?

I've been on both sides of that table.  Growing up, it was, you should have your sisters eyes. Or you should be more athletically fast like your brother.   I felt pitted against them. And when I was told to be more like my peers, I felt like I was losing the battle of being me.

You see, it's hard to fit in when it seems that everyone is telling you to be like someone else.  To me, it boiled down to, who I was just wasn't good enough.  I went through most of my life not fitting in. And fighting harder to try to shove the square peg (me) into the round hole that everyone else seemed to play in.

I went through college trying to be more like everyone else because I had lost all identity of who I actually was. I was confused and lost. I changed how I talked, walked, and interacted.  I was dramatic, always sickly, always doing more to get attention.  All that work to be like someone else never worked and I never felt like I fit in.

I've even done this same type of 'be like' damage to my kids -- be like this sports figure, be like that smart girl... just emulate anyone - except who you were meant to be. And for that... I'm truly sorry.

I'm learning to accept myself in general and others for who they authentically are.  For the talents they have, and more so for the joy they bring to my life.  The world has become so fast-paced, judgemental, and unaccepting of different.  And while I can't change everyone's thought patterns, I can surely work on my own.

So instead of telling others to be like someone else, I ask only that you be authentic, brilliant and be you.  Because no one in this whole world can share what you have in your heart quite like you - and that is what makes you special!

Perfectly Imperfect

We live in a system of checks and balances.  But at the end of the day, what really seems to count is how many stars you get, and if you receive thumbs up or thumbs down. It boils down to, how many people thought your performance at work, school or home was perfect?

I got the idea for this speech because of a conversation I had with my ToastMaster mentor after my Ice Breaker.  The thought process behind perfection and why we strive to be…. Perfect seemed intriguing.  At that time, I thought it would make a phenomenal speech… and now – it’s literally driving me crazy, because, this is a competition and it has to be perfect.

The dictionary says that the word perfect means conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type- meaning we place our perfection in the hands of people who are like us. Less than perfect.

I can remember a time when I played sports. I was a softball player. It was my time to bat. The pitch came, in SWING and a miss.  I took a deep breath, it’s slow pitch, I knew I could kill it.  Another pitch came in, and BAM! The ball flew for miles!  I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.  I got on third base. It was my first triple. I was excited. My heart raced. I could hear people screaming with pleasure. It was perfect.  I was brought in on the next play, and as my team mates congratulated me, my coach said, “Great hit, but next time, you’ll get that home run”.

Immediate Deflation!

I had done my best that day, and through all of the praise of others, I only remember hearing from my coach, "but next time..." because it meant, that I fell short, I failed, and I was not perfect. 

Perfection is what we do more so for someone else than we do for ourselves. It’s easy when we are marked by the number of stars or thumbs to tell you how you’re doing.  It starts in kindergarten, as soon as we get that first star, it’s a quest to always get that star. It then follow us through life – think about this. How many times have you looked up a movie, a restaurant, hotel or vacation spot and seen stars? Three out of five, 4 ½? Thumbs up thumbs down. How many would go to a restaurant that only had one star? Are you willing to take the chance on what you might see or eat? How about a three star hotel? Half-rate service maybe?  

Last week, I stayed at a 3 out of 5 star hotel in London. I did my homework and read the reviews (some horrid), and I took my chances. There were no door people to meet us, and no maid service, but it was beautiful, clean, completely redone and actually a fantastic stay at a fabulous price!

We are marred by the quest of perfection that exists in the minds of others, strangely it’s what someone elses version of perfect looks like, not necessarily our own.

I do agree that there may be some merit in reaching for perfection, but I believe that it should be what we require of self, not what we expect from others.  When we try to reach for a perfection to suit someone elses’ needs, we risk harming our self.  Medical statistics show, that people who constantly strive for perfection have increased stress levels, depression and a loss of enjoyment for life.   

How do we get around the need for perfection?

Ultimately, it’s up to the individual to strive to be the best they can be. Work hard, make and reach set goals, and maintain a healthy relationship and standard to be their best-self.

As parents, teachers and leaders. If you know someone has put their heart and soul into a project or something they have done well.  Congratulate them without… “but next time” this only flaws their efforts and the performance and also lowers self-esteem.

Encouragement is always great, but do so with word choices that complement the path that they are on, not break it down. For example, “how can we tweak this?” or “can you think of a way to enhance the performance?”  Does it take more time? Yes, but it also keeps from crushing the attempts to be perfect in an imperfect world.

The Oscars were on Sunday, which I thought was done very well, except for the Memorial of which they did not put Joan Rivers.  News reviews slammed the producers of the segment and show! Thumbs down.  But, Whoopi Goldberg put it in perspective by saying, that while there were a lot of people that passed, this is the last ‘hoo rah’ they get.  Take the time, to allow others to remember what great things they accomplished even if you cut down the length of each picture in the slideshow.”

Encouragement with productive criticism. Brilliant!

If you’re that perfectionist, make today your day to change your outlook on being perfect.  Remember that while seeking 5/5 stars, thumbs up or an A+ may be attainable in the things you do, but the goal of being perfect in life is a different story.  You are a human, not a machine, and we all make mistakes.  We were never really intended to be “perfect” and that’s the beauty of being you.

Knowing and Doing

Did it ever seem that you know how to do something, like in your mind, you can see what it would take to succeed, and when you put it on paper everything looks great, but, when you physically try to make it happen, everything seems to fall apart leaving you frustrated?

This is the gap between knowing and doing.

It's not that you can't get the results that you want, you just may be lacking the clarity to get there.

So, what could be holding you back?  First and foremost... the fear of succeeding.

One of the greatest obstacles any of us have to face is fear!

I know someone who sells cars.  He is average at what he does, but when he attempts to work as hard as he can, he is reminded of his childhood where his family always said he wouldn't amount to anything.

Through a lot of coaching, the young man realized that he had a fear of actually surpassing what his family said he could do.  And even though he is now a man, the hurtful things he was repeatedly told as a child, haunts him most days. He was held back not just by the words and doubts of others, but also from the fear of succeeding.

It is important to recognize what your fears are, and why you feel the way that you do.

Are you powerful or powerless?  Are you always judging yourself negatively? Do you talk down about yourself to yourself? Do you blame self or others for the position that you're in?

If you answered 'yes' to any of those questions, you may be feeling powerless.  This is that 50 pound weight on your shoulders, the one that makes it hard to get out of bed sometimes.  It's what keeps you from fully working towards your best, and your dreams.

How do you break free?  You've got to learn to let go (no matter how hard) of the negative things in your life.  Sometimes it takes mentors, family or close friends to help you break through.  But once you do, you will be able to move to an empowering state.

A good starting point may be to find positive affirmations or to start a positive self-talk journal.  Focus on the things that you do well.  Put them on paper.  Constancy is the key, as this is something that you are doing for your own well-being.

The last major obstacle is focus.  The awesome point here, is that once you are not afraid to succeed, and you begin to empower yourself- focusing on your goals actually becomes an easier task.

When you start to plan your path, the road you take to reach your goals gets easier with each step.  Do research on what motivates you and act on it!

This is not to say that there won't be challenges along the way, but by staying positive in your self-talk, keeping a journal and positive affirmations, the road to success will be a more pleasant journey.

Again, consistency is key in whatever you choose to do.  Work out your vision, purpose, plan and goal then run with it.

Believe in you!

Relationships, Contracts and the Fine Print

Your friendship is like an unwritten contract.  All friendships should work with terms of what you will accept, what you won’t put up with, and most of all how you will interact with individual relationships.  Most people don’t associate contracts with regular everyday relationships, therefore there can be a huge area of grey confusion amongst friends.

Think of it like this.  When you purchase something (car, home, etc.) there are terms of agreements that apply. Usually somewhere, there is fine print which better define the terms of those agreements. For example you may receive a pre-approved credit card however the fine print says “subject to approval” The fine print clearly states full disclosures of all (even unfavorable) terms or conditions in the contract.

With everyone you meet, you start a contract of sorts, we just don’t put it on paper.

Today, take the steps to redefine contracts with people in your life.  If you feel that you’re taken advantage of, mistreated, or easily dismissed, maybe it’s time to create a contract with fine print that states the terms of that friendship. This is for you – for a better understanding of who you are, and what needs that you have for each relationship you encounter, new or old. 

Want to take it a step further, have a conversation with the individual(s) and let them know what the fine print on your contract is.  If they feel you are a value, they will do what it takes to hold up their end of your contract.